• WomensLaw.Org -
Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
12. Question: - My husband is verbally abusive to me and our children. He is also financially abusive to me as he insists that I pay for everything except the house payment and the utilities, although he makes $20K more than I do. I want to divorce, but we separated once before, and he took more of his anger out on the kids since he didn't have me to vent on. I'm a very strong person and have managed the pain so far, but it is taking such a physical and emotional toll on me to live with him. In your experience, how do kids do when they have to spent time alone with an abusive parent?
I also struggle with helping them understand that his behavior is not normal, while not committing parental alienation. I so want my children to be the last generation of this anger and abuse. I've come to realize that both my grandfathers were abusive, my father was an alcoholic and my husband's father was abusive. If the odds are better for them if I stay, I will. How do you end this cycle of abuse?
Answer: You sound like you are a great mom and very concerned about your children's welfare.
Women who are in abusive relationships often struggle with what is best for their children. Many women will say "but he's a good dad" or want to believe that because he is only violent with her, that the children are not be affected. Even if the children are not being abused directly, they are experiencing all the stress and chaos that violence in the home creates. On numerous occasions, I would work with women who would tell me that leaving their partner would devastate their kids. Then the kids would tell their counselor that they wish their mom would just leave their dad.
I firmly believe that the odds are much better for your children if you leave. Children growing up in a home where abuse is occurring often display several common reactions. Emotional signs include: feeling responsible for the violence, feeling ashamed, being afraid for their safety, the need for adult attention (either positive or negative depending on the child) and feeling overburdened that they have to assume the caretaker role. Behavioral signs include: acting out or withdrawing, over/underachieving, refusing to go to school or not wanting to leave school (they feel they can protect the abused parent by staying home or they know school is the only safe place so they want to stay there), bedwetting/nightmares/lack of sleep and apathy. There are often physical signs such as somatic complaints (headaches, stomachaches), they are tired, often sick, they may have regressing behaviors and no reaction to physical pain ("this is nothing"). Socially, children growing up in violent homes are often isolated, they have difficulty trusting others, have poor conflict resolution and may be excessively involved in outside activities to try to be "normal." Cognitively, children may believe that violence is acceptable and they may have a low self-concept and feel that no one can be trusted.
I completely understand your concern about the children spending time alone with their father. Unfortunately, in many states, it is nearly impossible to get supervised visitation without past history of violence toward the children directly. I would highly recommend you contact your local domestic violence program (1800-799-SAFE will connect you to your local program); they will be able to give you a good idea of what is the norm in your area. Many programs also have groups for children who are witnessing domestic violence. These groups focus on dealing with their feelings, helping them realize that the violence is not their fault and helping them adjust to living without their abusive parent. They help children realize that the behavior their abusive parent is exhibiting is not acceptable. If they do not have a children's program, I would encourage you to have your children begin seeing a counselor, especially when they have to begin spending time alone with their father. A support group for you would be an excellent idea as well as visiting a counselor. You can only deal with so much and you've stated it is really starting to take a toll on you.
I would encourage you to begin a journal documenting any violence that is occurring and whether or not it happened in the presence of the children. Also document any statements they make to you about their father's behavior.
You can end this cycle of violence by establishing a safe and stable life for yourself and your children. I won't tell you that it will be easy, but it will be so worth it! Both you and your children deserve better than this. The earlier you break this cycle, the greater the chance is that your children will not repeat the pattern of behavior that they have witnessed.
