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Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
1. Question:My sister is married to an abusive man. My family has tried to help her leave but she keeps going back. We are ready to just turn our backs on her. What can we do?
Answer: Please remember that there are many reasons women stay with abusive partners. While it seems easy for those of us on the outside, who live in safe environments, to say "just leave," it is not easy to do so. Women stay for many reasons but most can be summarized by the 6 F's: fear, finances, faith, family, father and fantasy.
Fear:
Often battered women are fearful of what the batterer will do to harm her or her family. He has made threats in the past that if she left him, he would find her. She believes no matter where she goes or what she does, that she will never be free of him. Battered women are in nine times more danger when they leave an abusive relationship than when they stay. When they stay, he still holds all the power and control. The minute she leaves that relationship, his power vanishes and that is when he becomes the most dangerous. Most battered women are in far greater danger when they leave the relationship than when they stay.
Another fear often prevalent among women is the fear of the unknown. Where will she go? How will she support herself? What if he comes to her workplace/the children's school/her family's home? How can she pay for a divorce? Often times she has no support system and very little money to get started on her own. For many of the women I have worked with, the fear of the unknown is often greater than the fear of living with him.
Finances:
Think about it. If you left with only the money in your purse today and you had to completely start your life over, would you be able to do it? You can't go to work because he will show up there. The kids can't go to school. You can't even go grocery shopping for fear of running into him. And the minute a battered woman leaves, he often takes her off of the bank accounts if she was ever on them to begin with. Very few battered women have the financial resources to begin a new life. A new place to live requires a deposit and first and last months' rent. Perhaps she doesn't have a car of her own. Perhaps she cannot afford an attorney. Finances are a huge barrier to leaving, one that is difficult to overcome.
Faith:
Unfortunately, I have seen a woman's faith often times becomes her biggest roadblock. Many faith communities stress keeping a family together in all circumstances. She may have told someone in the church and they have told her to "turn the other cheek." She may feel that if she leaves her partner that she is going against God's will.
Family:
She may have grown up in an abusive family and believes that her circumstances are not as bad as her mother's were. Or perhaps her family has helped her out before and she went back to her abuser and now they refuse to help out again. Maybe she is embarrassed. It is not uncommon for many women to come to our shelter when they have family that lives just a few blocks away. Often times they don't want to involve their family or their family is unsafe/unhealthy as well.
Father:
When women are asked why they continue to stay in abusive relationships, most will answer "because of the kids." They believe that the children need a father. They may mistakenly believe that the violence is not affecting the children. And once a woman has children with her batterer, they are forever tied. There will always be visitation, even if there is a divorce. She knows that he will always be a part of her life.
Fantasy:
Most battered women didn't knowingly marry an abusive man. Many times he starts out very sweet and kind. He seems like her knight in shining armor. Then he moves very quickly, wanting to get married and have children. By the time she realizes his patterns, it is often times too late in her mind: they are married and have children. She may believe in the fantasy that things are going to get better. She wants to believe this time he really is going to get counseling/stop drinking/keep his promises. It is this faith in the fantasy of a better life that keeps her in that relationship.
It may be tempting for you to turn your back on your sister. Please remember that, if you do this, you are doing exactly what the batterer wants. He wants her to be isolated. He wants to say to her "see, even your own family doesn't want you." He wants her to have nowhere to turn.
As hard as it is to see your sister go through this, it is even harder to be her. Continue to be there for her, continue to support her. If you are able to, offer to help financially. Go with her to your local domestic violence program. Continue to remind her that what is happening is NOT her fault. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children.
Please do not issue ultimatums. Do not make her choose between her family and her partner. She may not be able to choose her family.
